When I have drama, I don't do it on one level, I do it on ALL levels. Over the last few weeks I've had relationship craziness, family drama, friend crises, painful physical therapy, and work breakdowns. Awesome. Where do I even start?
I've learned lots of funny things about love and relationships over the past month. In my mind, I had built up my last relationship to be "the one". When it ended, it took me a long time to get over it. Just this week, over a year after breaking up, I found out that the person who I loved the most in my life never really loved me back. In fact, the entire three years we were together, he led me to believe he felt strongly about me when in fact, he never did. This is a tough pill to swallow, especially when you suddenly find yourself thinking that you are resurrecting the relationship. A good friend of mine said it best. "There's nothing like reopening old wounds and not being able to find a bandaid." How right he was.
There are many reasons I would still like for that relationship to work, but the honest truth is that it was unhealthy, and I have to constantly remind myself. I felt emotionally battered on nearly a daily basis and it continues to baffle me as to why I put myself in that position. There are times when he has treated me with little regard and done things he knew he should not have done. I'm a strong person, so I just can't understand why I would put myself in this position. I guess love is strange, but I deserve much better. It's difficult to cut ties completely because I enjoy having this person in my life. He's genuinely a good person who just needs to resolve a great many issues. At the very least, we're good friends, but it's difficult sometimes. We've set new boundaries, and I won't be taking a venture across them ever again.
In the friend space, I had a very close friend diagnosed with terminal cancer. She refuses to tell us what it is, but only says that she has very little time left. She's refusing treatment and just wants to relax and have a good time. Her attitude is absolutely amazing and I can't believe how positive someone in her position can be. She told me, "I don't want to go anywhere and I don't want to do anything crazy. I just want to be." My thoughts are with her.
Physical therapy is going well, but it's extremely painful and keeping me off the bike, and that doesn't make me a happy camper. I have my third treatment tomorrow and it's getting more bearable, but it's still pretty intense. I'm very excited for the results though, as already I have an increased range of motion and less weirdness in my knee. If I can start running again, f*** relationships, I'm golden! The Boston Marathon may actually start coming back on my radar, but I don't want to get too far ahead of myself yet.
Since PT is making things sore, I can't do but a light spin on the bike now, so I'm out for racing Wenatchee this weekend. I'm not even disappointed. Wenatchee was supposed to be my A-race this year, but I'm not in shape anyway. At this point, I'll be happy to make it to Methow in June and be in shape for crit season and cross. There is a mountain bike race this weekend, so maybe I can give that a go. We'll see how the leg feels this weekend.
All of the drama the last month came to a head and I woke up one day and thought, "I'm quitting my job. I'm quitting relationships. I'm quitting everything. I'm going to set my hours, work from home, do whatever, just relax and get away from stress everywhere." That idea manifested itself into an email to my boss saying I was resigning effective immediately. It felt great. Then a few hours later I freaked out. Yes, my job is stressful, but I really do enjoy it. I love the people I work with and I love the work I do. One of these days I would like to have my own business or something, but for now, this is good.
I talked with my work, who was nearly as shocked as I was about the email, and they are letting me take the rest of the month off, which is a welcome opportunity to detox, relax, and get myself together. I got the Ducati running last night, and took her out for a spin today in the beautiful weather. Motorcycles sure are therapeutic in wonderful ways. I'm not really sure what happened over the past few days, but I think I may have had a complete meltdown on many levels. It's really not like me. I'm always brave, confident, and sure of myself, and lately I've been doubtful, unconfident, and insecure. What's up with that?
I blame it on the relationship. For three years I dealt with crap that took me six months of therapy to get over. Then I tried to reopen it all. It's amazing how damaging that shit can be. Then lump on my friend's cancer, my mom moving here, the painful physical therapy, and doubt and insecurity about my ability to meet anyone cool and I guess it adds up to one big breakdown.
My therapy? I'm taking the rest of the month off and I booked that damn vacation I've been wanting to take forever. F*** the last boyfriend for rejecting my repeated offers of an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii. Who the hell would do that? I'm hitting Playa del Carmen in the Yucatan for 4 days of therapy, sun, lounging, and relaxation. I'm finally seeing Chichen Itza. I'm finally going to Mexico. I'm finally taking a trip all by myself to regain my confidence, security, and ability to kick some ass. I'm tired of postponing my plans waiting for that perfect guy to come along. And when I get back, my friend will be having the time of her life, I'll have an awesome time at work, and I'll meet the coolest guy in the world. Cha-ching!
No comments:
Post a Comment